


Idealism.

by MatsuRavioli



Category: Death Note
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, F/M, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-07 05:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7702453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MatsuRavioli/pseuds/MatsuRavioli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For his whole life, people seemed to have such a different idea of what it meant to be Matsuda.<br/>Why did he never get to say himself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Idealism.

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lack of Matsuda appreciation in the fandom, so I'm going to change that.  
> I have a lot in common with him - we have the same name...
> 
> Minus a few small changes, I plan to stick to the canon time line the best I can.  
> There will be ships as the story progresses, but I'll add them to the tags when they become relevant. 
> 
> Enjoy this very short first chapter - they'll get longer as we get more into the action.

Twenty-five and a half minutes- that's how long Touta had managed to stay at his fifth birthday party without running off to hide in his bedroom.

He'd begged his parents for a themed party, and they'd agreed, however, the theme they had decided to go with was definitely not what he had in mind. He'd specifically asked for a Detective theme, and even though his mother was extremely against the idea, his father had promised his son that he would make something work so that he could enjoy his birthday the way that he wanted to for once in his life.  
He figured he wouldn't be getting what he wanted when his mother forced him into the most hideous princess dress he'd ever seen.  
He was certain that she'd done it on purpose; picked him the frilliest, pinkest dress that she could find in the store, despite his father having already bought him a perfectly good birthday suit, complete with a small navy waistcoat.  
"It's utterly disgusting, little girls shouldn't wear suits like that."  
"If it's what she's comfortable in I really don't see the problem, darling-"  
The sparkles on the dress itched like crazy and the horrible ballet shoes pinched his toes in a way that made general walking difficult for him.  
"How am I going to run around and climb when I can't even walk properly?"  
"You won't. You'll walk and sit like a proper little girl."

The longer the young boy spent outside, the longer he began to feel like his mother had done this on purpose, as smoking of punishment to him and his father for buying the basketball shoes that he had been told multiple times he wasn't allowed to have.  
Where there should have been Police banners, there were princesses. The police horses were replaced with unicorns, and everywhere there should have been blue, all he saw was pink.  
He couldn't understand why his mother hated the way he was so much. It wasn't as if anyone was getting hurt by him preferring pants over skirts, nobody was dying because he wanted to join basketball and not ballet. His father didn't care, so why was she so hung up on it?  
The only person getting hurt here was Touta, who just didn't feel right in the clothes he was wearing or the fact that the more he looked over the guest list his mother had formulated, noticing straight away that none of his male cousins had been invited.  
"They're a bad influence on her - she wouldn't be so into all this silly boy stuff if it wasn't for them you know."

After twenty-five and a half minutes of the ordeal, the young child had managed to sneak away from his own party and had gone to sit in his room crying for a good ten minutes before realising that his father had come to find him.  
Sitting himself on Toutas bed, his father pulled his child onto his lap, kissing his forehead gently.  
"You know she just worries you won't fit in when you start school, right?"  
He'd asked, attempting to comfort the crying child.  
That was the only thing Touta really saw himself as lucky in; his father would always side with him, even if that meant wording things in a simpler way so that he could understand.  
"Right, I just don't get why she's so mean about it."  
They sat like that, talking about detectives and basketball for what felt like hours, until Touta felt he was strong enough to go back to the party, with the battered pair of basketball shoes now replacing his stupid ballet ones.  
He didn't care what his mother would say, after all, they weren't her feet.

* * *

 

A distinct buzzing came from across the room as Matsuda Touta rolled over in his bed.  
After reading online that leaving his alarm at the other side of his room would 'inspire' him to get up instead of hitting snooze, he'd decided to try it, leaving him with nothing but regrets.  
It was his first day at his new job status, and he should have been a lot more excited.  
Of course, there was some excitement there; he'd been dreaming of a job high up in the NPA since he was a kid, however, he knew that much like every other job he'd have, nobody would take him seriously. He'd been working with the police for a while, as an intern, in his high school days, and finally as a detective, once he'd graduated, so of course, he had a fair idea what he was doing.  
But this was different - today he'd be working with the chief of the force, attending meetings, all that good stuff.

Matsuda managed to get himself out of bed after a while, making his way over to his alarm and switching it off, sighing.  
This was fine, this would be fine.  
He walked across the apartment to his bathroom, completing the necessary tasks for the day, showering, brushing his teeth, his hair, and getting changed. It took him all of ten minutes to get ready, his suit fitting weirdly well. He hadn't expected it to, after the added layer between his chest and shirt, but you could barely see it, even without the large blazer.  
He stared at himself for a while, proud of his appearance.  
His jawline was getting stronger, eyes falling deeper into his face. His voice was still much higher than he'd usually want, but he could pass as simply being a younger man. Small hands ran down his tie, smoothing it out before he buttoned up his blazer, taking one last look at himself, assuring himself multiple times over in his head that nobody would notice, and even if they did, nobody would care.  
His situation was starting to get considerably less taboo, even in smaller regions across the country, and he was sure that the company wouldn't have hired him if they had any major issues with it.

Another alarm from his phone and Matsuda was grabbing his satchel off the sideboard, ready to leave.  
Quickly locking up his apartment, he walked quickly, making to his train stop with time to spare.  
This day would be fine, he just had to believe it.


End file.
